Connecting the Dots...

Maybe it's because it's a new year, or that fact that I just gave my apartment a facelift... Or maybe it's the idea of a brand new life getting ready to start -- one in which I will be a forever witness....

Whatever the reason, I have been thinking a lot about events in my own past, and trying to piece who I am today together. I'm trying to connect the dots between those times that I may have said, "Someday this will all make sense," and if that statement really stands true today.

I remember getting ready for Spring Break my junior year in college, and instead of being really excited, I was so bummed. The guy who I LOVED (thought I did) was 2 hours away at a different college and after months and months of "are we together or are we not?" and dozens of long distance visits, it seemed that the perfect guy and I were not actually meant to be. I was hurt, and angry, and mad at myself -- why couldn't I just like one of the hundreds of other guys in my classes, apartment building, own college? So, as I threw my tanning oil and bikini in my suitcase, I determined that when I got back from this trip, I would be over mr.... what was his name again?.... "I'm giving him up for Lent," I told my roommate, a baptist who had no idea what I was talking about. "Just as long as you're not giving up tequila," she said.

What followed was probably the craziest, wildest and, at times, embarassing week of my life, spent partying with six of my best girl friends and thousands of drunk strangers. When I got back to BSU, I was rejuvenated (when the hangover wore off) and I stayed "over" Mr. Incredible for a lot longer than Lent. It wasn't long before I started another relationship, one that lasted 5 years.

Fast forward two years to my first "real" job out of school. No annoying professors to file papers for, no peanut shells to sweep up at the end of my shift, and a regular paycheck (and insurance). I loved the office, and my desk, and the professional people I dealt with on a daily basis. Still -- I had been promised a lot of writing work, and I found myself proofreading and making phone calls on a regular basis. In my heart, I knew that it wasn't the right place for me. But my bank account and sense of stability talked me into staying longer than I should have.

I showed up early one Monday morning and my bosses told me they wanted to talk to me. Pretty normal for a Monday morning, so I sighed and took my notebook in the office. Five minutes later I was packing up a box with what few personal things I was allowed to have on my desk, and getting back in my car for the long commute back home. "Fired? They can't fire me!" I thought. I was offended and vindictive -- more than anything because they had beat me to doing what I wanted to do all along.

That very afternoon I sent out a resume to a small newspaper in Shelbyville, Indiana who hired me later that week. My desk wasn't nearly as fancy as my old job, but I got to put as many pictures of my dog and silly parents on it as I wanted. Most of the other reporters (all 5 of them) wore jeans everyday, and the woman's restroom was covered in forest green linoleum that looked like it had been stolen straight from the set of Boogie Nights. But I got to write -- everyday. Whether I covered the llama costume contest at the Shelby County fair, or was invited to Governor Daniels' press conferences, my words and name were in print. On my last day working there at the end of my two-week notice, the ladies of the office took me for a cheeseburger at Cow Palace. Leaving that newsroom was one of the saddest moments of my life...

But the experience and actual printed material I wrote there helped me land a position with a bigger newspaper in a MUCH warmer climate. Sure, I don't write everyday. And I'm at the bottom of the office totem pole. But I love going to work each day and am being challenged way beyond any other tasks I've done before.

Which brings me to my latest, "Someday this will all make sense." Feeling neglected by someone that I left everything behind for (family, job, friends) pushed me into some actions that were not only stupid -- they had a lasting effect on my life. All my dreams of a few more years focused on my career, a wedding, a house and more traveling before starting a family went up in smoke. I had it all planned out... how could I be so careless? The moment that I looked at the plus sign on that CVS pregnancy test was one of the loneliest, and scariest, of my life.

And of course, I am still not sure of how, or when, it will all make sense. But I do know this much so far -- in four months, I will be doing something that several doctors told me would be difficult, if not impossible, for me to ever accomplish. I don't know who will be in the delivery room with me, or if I'll be able to handle the pain without medication. But I do know that I will hold my little girl for the first time -- and for a moment, all the random dots will be connected, and it will all make sense.