#44 -- BFFs and other gal pals

I have my fingers crossed that you will be a leader -- someone strongwilled who follows her own goals and dreams. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have some people around you who you strive to be more like, and who you share experiences with.

I wish you the kind of best friends and girlfriends that I have found. Whether I was doing fake beauty pageants with neighborhood girls on my front porch at the age of 8, driving around town in my first car, listening to music with my high school kindred spirit, or reading an email on some of the humorous situations that arise in motherhood (from my college BF, who has a 16 month-old) --- I have been lucky to have people to laugh with, complain to, giggle about dumb DUMB things with and who support me through all my decisions.

Family is great. Boyfriends can be incredible sources of strength as well. But the bonds you form with the females around you inspire confidence, self-esteem, goofy inside jokes, sensitivity and a feeling of belonging to a group bigger than yourself.

It’s lovely being a girl. Find others to enjoy that journey with.

#45 -- Unmet Expectations

At first glance, this seems to be a topic that would be something that would discourage you in life -- not something that you will love. But perhaps my title is misleading...

You will build your expectations about life, people and even yourself based on what has happened to you in the past, what has happened to other people, and what personal experience has taught you to that point. And for the most part, what you are predicting on a day-to-day basis will go exactly as planned, without deviation.

Which is what will make those unexpected plot twists so exciting. When a situation you believe will be bumpy goes surprisingly smoothly, the relief will be greater than you anticipated. When your career takes a path you had not planned, but leads you to greater opportunity than if you had just gone along the well- beaten trail, you will be enlightened. And even when unexpected tragedy, or loss, or problems in a friendship or relationship pop up without warning, you will learn the depth of your caring heart and appreciate the people around you with new insight.

I was not expecting you at this point in my life. Never in my childhood dreams or adulthood goals did I see myself in this situation, at this crossroads. But it is with unmatched anticipation and joy that I await you today -- knowing not to place too much emphasis on my expectations. From day one, you have been an inspiration to me and even though I don't know what you will look like on your birthday or in 20 years, your face is already imprinted in my heart.


I expect great things from you. Determine what those things will be and chase them down -- but remember to embrace the unexpected.

#46 -- Words

Whether you speak them, sing them or write them -- words will make up your world. You may chose your words carefully, or just let them fly -- or hopefully learn the best times to use a little of both styles. Regardless, the power of your words will be immeasurable. Use them. Use them wisely.

You will hear or read other people's words and say, "I wish I could speak/write like that." And people will remember conversations with you where your words impressed, hurt or changed them.

The truth is that actions won't always speak louder than words. Sometimes there will be nothing that you can do to help a situation, but chose a few inspiring words. Other times, you will be at a loss for words, and these are times to just let them go -- because maybe nothing that you could say will help.

And from your first word (hopefully "mama"??) to whatever will be your last, what you have to say will be important. Find the strength in the mundane conversations of everyday life, and write your voice fearlessly.

#47 -- Animals

Will you be a dog person, or a cat person? Or maybe a lizard (ew) or bird person?

If you are anything like your Mom, "big" cousin Katelynn, you are going to have a love and compassion for the animals placed in your care.

Sometimes you will want company, but will be too tired to entertain another "human." That will be the time you will want someone to just be there, and love you for whatever mood you are in, or where you are are in your life.

I wish you many long years with pets that you love, and a sympathetic voice for those who can not speak for themselves.

A Good Man...

There's a lot of information out there about what constitutes a good man... Just turn on your TV and there is an array of models to chose from...

The "McDreamy" career man who gets his feelings hurt when you don't include him in all of your emotional meltdowns (he just wants to be part of your life, hear about all your insecurities and give you a sad, puppy dog gaze in the process)

The dumber-than-a-box-of-rocks shop class teacher, turned Spanish teacher, when there was no one else to take the job, who defends you when the former homecoming queen talks about how desperate you are (courtesy of my new fav show -- Miss Guided)

And the perennial classic....

"Mr. Big," who really doesn't want to hear about your emotional issues, but will track you down in Paris just to tell you how much he loves you and wants to make it work somehow, some way (set to make an appearance in May's film version of the story).

But has anyone ever really met these men? I mean, really and truly seen them face to face? Or are they just a figment of pop culture's imagination?

I think that many of us waste too much time looking for these guys who don't exist, and can easily miss the normal, decent ones who use regular ways to show us that they care...

Last night proves my point... I'm huge, no matter what anyone tries to tell me, there is an extra 25 pounds of stomach pulling me forward with every step that makes it nearly impossible to pick things up off the floor and completely impossible to tie my shoes... I'm huge...

The point here is that me and my colossal belly were trying desperately to box up what is left at my old apartment, carry said boxes down metal stairs outside, load the boxes into my car and then clean the empty apartment (using what? I'm not allowed to be around most cleaning products). Just as frustration was setting in, my knight in shining armor appeared. Not on a white horse, or a shiny Harley, but in his Honda Civic -- wearing flip flops and old basketball shorts. Before long, he was weilding a bottle of bleach spray, tossing items into the wastebasket and vowing to return the next day to attack the dust mites that have collected on top of the refrigerator over the past year. Aaaahhh....my hero!

And the truth is, I'm sure that anyone would have helped me if I had asked...but he came without being asked. Just because he is a good guy.

And I realized that this was just one example of the many ways he has used action, instead of empty words, to be the man (and above all, friend) that I needed. Getting my family theme park tickets and acting like it was no big deal, when I know he had to pull some strings.... Giving me a card on my first day of work, telling me that I was going to be great... Taking me out to dinner when I told him the earthshaking news that I was having a baby, and she wasn't his... Walking away from the relationship, even though he might not want to, because he knows that my focus right now has to be on my daughter and my health....

So he might not follow me to Europe, but I guarantee he would drive me to the hospital if my water broke. And he might not waste words defending me to my high school's homecoming queen, but I know he stands up for me when most people in his shoes would say some pretty awful things instead.

So the timing isn't right for me to have my very own McDreamy, but I know I am truly blessed to have someone who cares about me as a person enough to carry my heavy boxes, and find other subtle ways to be a friend and good man.

#48 -- Early Mornings

So I suppose you might be the type of person who avoids mornings at all costs, and would rather sleep until the sun is shining so brightly that you know it must at least be noon. But even if that’s you, there will be at least a few times in your life when you are up before the sun -- making a cup of coffee, watching the morning news, reading your mail or walking your dog. And even if your head is pounding, and you are struggling to pry your eyelids open, take a moment to enjoy the unique stillness that only comes first thing in the morning. Take a minute to check in with yourself and your feelings before the onslaught of the day’s activities. Those moments might the only ones you have to yourself for the next 24 hours, and you are important.

So whether you are up early everyday, or just once in awhile, enjoy the crispness of the early day and focus your thoughts on yourself -- if only for a fleeting moment.

#49 -- Work

People say that work is the worse part of life here on earth, and that "everybody's working for the weekend," but if you can focus in on where you are the most talented and make the most difference, you will love to work.

Just like everything in life, there will be ups and downs in your job. Somedays you will just want to quit it all, pack an overnight bag and run away to a remote island in the Pacific (don't forget your cell phone, or whatever people are using by then, so your mother won't worry). But other days, you will be able to bless your co-worker with a kind word when everything around her is going south... Or have your boss tell you that you have done a "great job" on a project that has had you pulling your hair out for weeks.... Or one of your ideas ends up changing your work environment, community or family for the better. Those are the days you will feel validated, empowered and ready for the next big thing.

And if you find yourself in a situation where your job is not fufilling, but it is necessary, enjoy the people around you. If you work with customers, find out what is going on in their lives, and befriend them. If you are alone behind a desk all day, meet colleagues for lunch or a mid-day walk, and ask them about their lives. Believe me, when the time comes that you need loving people to surround you, your work family can fill that role.

And no matter what your job, career or goals are in life, know that I support you. I believe in you! You are going to make a fantastic singer, actress, engineer, architect, surgeon, waitress, store clerk, writer, stay-at-home-mom, teacher, firefighter or city councilwoman (or all the above) someday.

#50 -- Sunshine

I have reached the 50-day countdown to my baby's due date. Of course, she may decide to screw up all my plans and come early (on purpose, of course, haha) or be stubborn and stay in there longer than 40 weeks (in which case, I will be the whale-woman waddling through Wal-mart looking for more pillows)....

Still, 50 seems like such an important number that I thought I would start a list leading up to her birth. I think I'll call it, "50 things to love about life." Sounds like an Oprah book club selection (maybe someday...), but I think it will be something she can read throughout her life and remember what things her mommy was thinking about in the days before meeting her. Thus....

#50: Sunshine. You will spend the beginning of your long life in an especially warm climate, compared to other locations you will probably reside. This makes you both lucky, and at a disadvantage, because you may not grow to appreciate the sunshine as much as the rest of the world. Ask Grandma Sally and Grandpa Bruce -- when the last dreary days of March begin to fade in Northwest Indiana, and the flowers welcome the few hot months, just the feel of sunshine on your skin makes you glow. It's why you see so many Hoosiers out in their flip-flops and T-shirts on a 50 degree day, throwing frisbees or just sitting in a lawn chair watching the cars go by. It's the promise of sunshine, and the positivity it emits.

But if you should find yourself snuggled up in a quilt, drinking hot chocolate and watching the icy snow blanket your front yard someday, enjoy it's beauty -- but remember that the sun will return soon, bringing color to your cheeks and warmth to your heart.

Glimpse of the future...

I went on my hospital tour last night and saw the place where the miraculous, magical stork will drop off my perfect baby girl in 55 days... well, I saw the place where complete strangers are going to see my body convulsing, bleeding and stretching in ways it really shouldn’t, and then snatching away my screaming, bloody newborn as soon as she pops out). Warm and fuzzy feelings yet?? Yeah, me either...

So I now know the place where I check in, the floor where I will deliver (the tour guide assured me that NO ONE leaves that floor without having her baby one way or another -- hmm, reassuring), and a room similiar to the one where I will recover (and entertain all of Emme’s fans while learning how to use my bowels again).

The strangest part of the tour was that it was so...quiet. I mean, like Saturday morning in the basement of the public library quiet. Where were the screaming women and freaked out men? And the crying babies? It was almost eerie...the way the nurses were all smiles and joking around like sorority sisters and only two or three babies slept peacefully in the nursery. Was this part of the "sell"?

WINNIE PALMER HOSPITAL -- WHERE WOMEN AND BABIES ARE RARELY SEEN AND NEVER HEARD

I started to get nervous. Not about the indescribable pain, or thousands of things that could go wrong in that delivery room, but about being too loud. I asked, "Will my door be shut? Will other people be able to hear me in labor?" with the insecurity of a high school freshman trying to find his locker on day one. The tour guide responded,

"Well, no, unless someone stands right next to the door and is trying to listen."

"Good, because I don’t want strangers to hear me screaming," I said.

She gave me a "there-there Bambi" look, patted me on the arm and said,
"This is your first baby, isn’t it?"

As if asking about other people hearing the most intimate moments of my life was something only a "first timer" would be concerned with. Visions of 100 television shows and bad movies flew through my mind. When Aunt Becki gave birth to Niki and Alex on ’Full House’, she was a sweaty, screaming disaster. Same with Annie and Nina in "Father of the Bride: Part II." Even bad-ass Dr. Bailey on Grey’s Anatomy freaked out and was ready to pack up her things and head home when faced with labor pains. Am I really tougher than "the Nazi" of Seattle Grace’s surgical wing?

The answer, of course, remains to be seen. Will my over-expectation of pain actually make the experience a pleasant surprise? Will I decide on the drugs and breeze right through the difficult contractions and be ready to breastfeed 2 hours later?

Or will I scream like a banshee and scare the crap out of the pregnant women on the hospital tour that day??

If anyone is anxious to find out first-hand, I am allowed to have 3 people in the delivery room with me. A useful gem obtained from the tour...

Freshman Florida Year

Ok, so it’s still 2 weeks away, but my "one year" anniversary of moving to Florida is fast approaching. While it’s not a birthday, or relationship milestone, it’s looming heavy over my head. It’s been one of the most enlightening, dynamic and tumultuous years of my life and so many different thoughts keep popping into my mind. A good blogging is the therapy I need...

Most Vivid Memories:

Pulling out of the driveway in Delphi, Indiana. I had Goldie in the backseat, and my car loaded down with one-eighth of my belongings that were deemed "important" enough to make the cross-country trek. I had already said good bye to my family about 2 hours earlier, and now I was watching Bryan say good bye to his parents. His mom was wearing her flannel pajamas and white socks, and his dad had just gotten home from the night shift. While his dad checked a few things on the car, his mom just totally lost it. She just starting sobbing, and I felt the first tinge of homesickness for the people and places him and I both loved. For a moment, there was hesitation. We could still change our minds. We could unpack our cars, tell everyone that it was just a big joke, and.... well, still be in Indiana -- longing to try something different. So we pulled out of the driveway, and started our 1200 mile caravan.

8am walks with Goldie in May and June. I had several different part-time jobs when we first arrived, and one was nannying three mornings each week. I had to be there at 9:30am. So, I would roll out of bed, throw on my flip flops and hook up my best pal for an early morning stroll. We wandered all around our new neighborhood -- I would smile at strangers, she would sniff everything in sight. It was almost like nothing smelled the same in Florida to her-- every bush, and tree, and parking lot was more sniffable than the last and we took our time, enjoying the morning. Sometimes we would walk to Starbucks, and she would watch me from the table she was tied to outside as I ordered a daily brew beyond the glass. The morning crew would give me a tall, plastic frappucino cup filled with water so that Goldie could also have some refreshment. We were a very sophisticated pair -- with our Starbucks cups. It was during those mornings that I really started to love my new surroundings. It didn’t feel like vacation anymore... It felt like home.

My summer fling. There has been a lot said about what it was, and what it wasn’t, and what it meant, and what it means now... But the bottom line is that at the time, it felt right. Maybe it was my new surroundings, or missing someone that I had loved desperately for 5 years, or maybe it was just a flash of fate that sparked a lifetime love in my daughter. But something fit for me -- even if it was shortlived. I felt beautiful, and happy, and awakened in ways I hadn’t for a long time. So while it was certainly a turning point in my year (and life), I can honestly say it was a good thing and that maybe my best-laid plans needed to be thrown to the wayside in exchange for something more real.

A long-distance call that no mother wants to receive, and how it surprised me. So many people have been so supportive throughout my pregnancy so far, and a few of the things that people have said really stand out in my mind. The best example is how calm my mother was when I told her the news over the phone. I decided it wasn’t good to keep anything a secret, so I told her that I was pregnant, the deal with the father,, and that I was still considering an abortion. Instead of freaking out (though I’m sure she was inside), she asked me very matter-of-fact questions about how I was feeling, when I needed to make the final decision and how the men in my life were reacting. Nothing that I responded with had to be very reassuring, because I wasn’t feeling great, the men in my life were obviously shaken up and not very supportive and I was one nauseous move from heading to the clinic and ending it the next day. When I told her that I knew how the morals of the whole situation were wrong, she just said, "God doesn’t care about our standards, or morals. He has a plan, and this baby is part of it." That was the moment I stopped feeling guilty, and started feeling empowered. It would do no good to regret anything that had happened. All I could control was the future and it was time to step up. Suddenly, the sun began to trickle through the trees on a road that had looked so lonely and dark. A child was a blessing, no matter how he or she came, and I just knew that I had the strength to be a mother, even if I had to enjoy that sunshine alone.

Christmas. When all you have known your whole life is cold, and snow, and sometimes even ice storms accompanying Christ’s birth, your first Christmas down here is incredible. At first the icicle lights on all the resorts seem silly (seriously, icicles? who are they kidding?), and the Christmas trees in the windows make you laugh out loud because it’s only July (right? it feels like July). But when Thanksgiving hits, and you enjoy your first Florida Turkey Day sitting outside on a patio, eating potato salad, you start to realize the holidays are in full swing, snow or no. And even though it’s just to make an almighty dollar, the light shows, elaborate Christmas trees and other decorations at Disney are breathtaking. Even the fake snow (soap suds, by the way) falling at the Studios reminds you of the real thing (and seeing 5 million lights dance to Manheim Steamroller’s Carol of the Bells doesn’t hurt either). Seeing the Candlelight Processional at Epcot, while Edward James Olmos narrates the Nativity story in English and Spanish, makes you appreciate the power of the Christmas spirit in a new way. Of course, nothing can fill the void you feel when you wake up at 25 years old on Christmas morning, and for the first time ever, don’t meet your parents, brothers and dogs in the living room to open gifts. As the day goes on, you know that they are all opening their presents, and your neice is enjoying her first real Christmas without you (she was only 3 weeks old for her first one), and it stings. But even that hurt serves it’s purpose in making you appreciate your loved ones, and the spirit of the holidays, even more.

A few shorts.... spending the first night here asleep on the living room floor because we had no bed, so exhausted from the trip that we didn’t notice or care... putting a server’s apron back on, even though I swore when I graduated from college that I would "never wait tables again"... getting an unexpected call from the newspaper where I was freelancing, telling me that there was a full time opening I was being considered for... drinking too much at Arabian Nights, but having the best birthday ever... free tickets to Medieval Nights, and shrimp cocktail included... stealing my family for a whole week, and having them all to myself... sitting out on my porch blogging, lots of boxes packed, as I contemplate what changes my sophomore year here will bring, and feeling my baby squirm in her home that will soon be too small. Just like her momma, she will undoubtedly have a restless streak, and need to move, and stretch, and take risks and become 100 different versions of herself throughout her life. And even though there will be times my mothering instinct will want to hold her back, I hope that she is lucky enough to have at least one year like the one I’ve had -- and if she’s really fortunate, maybe 4 or 5.

What a Week...

It can be difficult to put on a smile when you have gained 20 pounds, and had no sleep because of an alien kicking your bladder all night. It's hard to grin and bear it when your doctor keeps talking about your upcoming delivery in "your husband" terms (i.e. - "your husband and you should decide if you want an epidural," and "your husband should really be doing all the housework at this point") -- even though you have told him 5,000 times that you are single and there is no "husband" or "boyfriend" and basically no "baby's daddy." (hello, jerry springer??)

Sometimes I'd rather cry then laugh when the lingering smells of newsprint, blooming onions and my dog make me want to vomit all over my favorite Steve Madden sandals that my feet are getting to wide to fit into. Thoughts of "the future" make me anxious -- and instead of thinking warm, fuzzy thoughts about cuddling with my baby, I worry about where I will live, how I will work and if I will be a good mom. Sometimes I think it's not fair, that I have all this responsibility resting solely on my shoulders, and that I may be in way over my head...

But then I have a week like this one -- when situation after situation encourages me and shows me that I did make the right decision the day I threw the abortion clinic pamphlet in the trash and said, "I'm going to be a mom."

First, my family -- what an awesome family I have. They never make me feel homesick because they are always so supportive of wherever I go, and whatever I do. Seeing them this week made me remember how lucky I am to have people that are there for me no matter what -- not because they have to be, but because they want to be.

Then, my great friends and co-workers. They never get tired of the "Katie Saga" and constantly encourage me, and make me feel beautiful, supported and loved.

I found a safe, nice, and affordable place to live and a roommate to be there when I need someone else to reassure me, or pick up something I dropped (it's getting difficult), or just tell me everything is going to be ok.

And to top it all off, I got word this week that my department would not be having any layoffs (after weeks of speculation, and me worrying about losing my job).

So while it might be easier to feel bad for myself, there are so many wonderful things going on around me to sway me otherwise. I may not have the storybook situation right now, but I have something even better -- an unexpected bestseller, with the protaganist finding good things behind every door.